I see now the two chunks of my life. One is where I am a part of something that is old, something familiar to me, something I have spent my whole life (the 19 years) getting accustomed to. It has people I have known either since childhood or at least around a decade. It has people who have seen me grow up and also mature as a person. And I have been there for all their moments, too. They know my story. They know what I am, why I am like that. There is a certain kind of comfort with these people. Freedom, perhaps. The freedom to act the way I want to, say the things I want to, without the fear or lets say, the thought of what impression I'd make on them crossing my mind.
Still, there is such a thing as being part of something and then there is belonging somewhere. The two don't always happen simultaneously for most people. But, why is it that even though acceptance is there, comfort and freedom is there, you don't feel you belong in this group of people you have known for almost two decades? You roam around with this band of people, talking, sharing, happy too, in fact. But always feeling a little complete. Something missing in everything. Is it because you aren't with the right people? Or because you aren't challenged enough. You have things to say, express but no one to understand those things, no one to inspire you or motivate you out of all those who surround you.
Its all well and good that they were your pillars all the way, helping you out and everything else that friends do. And you've been there, too. you love these people. You take the liberty of speaking your heart without the thought of saying it wrong. they are a part of you and will always be. Some of them would be the most important part of your being, they define you, they have made you what you are. Probably, that's why you are a hundred percent you with them. How can you be conscious or worried around yourself, right? Quite contradictory it sounds, them being you and then you not belonging. I realise that. That's why all the questions, my friend. But, I'll never lose them. They'll stay, no matter what.
And then there is this whole other chunk of people and places. The new part of your life. Here you enter with hope. This is going to give you what you want. this is going to erase all traces of in-affable alienation you'
I see how difficult it is one to try fitting into a group of people, a group that is already defined or in the process of defining itself. There is fear, here. There is insecurity. There is the thought of saying things right and saying the right things. The boundaries are uncertain. These people don't know you. They don't know your story. They don't know why you act the way you do, why you shy away from certain things. They just know what they see. But if you want something, if your heart calls out to these people, this new chunk, then you have to jump in, with all the fear, with all the insecurity. Earn your place.
Who knows in the next 19 years these people could be my pillars, these people could be the ones I share with and the ones I am not afraid around, the ones I know would stay.
