I say I forget!!!!!

How easy is it to let new people in your life, open up to them and then watch them go away? Not at all. So, what do you do? Not let them in at all, don't form any sort of attachment or bond with them? You certainly can't stop them from going. If they have to go, they will. Then how do you deal with it, or prevent it?

when people leave abruptly, over some issue or whatever reason it may be, its so difficult to deal with the pain of loss. But lets not mull over that. its a completely different discussion in itself. I want to consider the idea of knowing that you have to let go of someone in a matter of days, or months.

What do you do when you know that the friend or family member you were so close to, so attached to, will leave you in a matter of months? Obviously, it doesn't mean all shreds of communication will be broken between the two but then there is a possibility along with the surety that things won't be the same. If its a friend who is going off to some other state or country to study or someone changing school or a senior passing out of college< :) >. You know you would be totally crushed not being able to see those people everyday, not having them as a part of your everyday life. But then its inevitable. Nothing can be done to change this.

Do you distance yourself beforehand so it becomes easier later? Stop calling, texting(or at least bring it down a few notches)? Or do you make the best of whatever time is left? So you have good, happy memories for later?

Maybe I should just take the middle path and let things be the way they are. Deal with the things in the future in the future itself. These seemingly small issues can have a huge impact and I guess since I realise this, these questions keep popping up in my head all the time, sometimes at 5 in the morning!!!

I'll leave it to time, for now.

Letting Go

So, what does letting go mean? Forgetting about somethings? Giving up hope on things ever changing? Making peace with it? Even if these things happen does it mean you have let go or moved on?  I think its more than just being indifferent. And there are certain vestiges of attachment that still remain. the old habits you had, you just can't let go. Like saying certain things while signing off or keeping texts or old nicknames. No matter what, these things are hard to let go of.

Its like this, you know you don't care. you share this simple friendship. But then, you don't delete their texts like you delete everyone else's(barring a few ;)), you still pay more than the normal amount of attention to what they say, you devote more time and mind to what you say to them(probably cuz they are just smarter than you and you don't want to sound dumb. nevertheless). Why do you do that even though you are fine with it all?

Yes, true, some friends are always at a much special place than most and you do treat them better than the others. But you just feel it, that this is not because of the special place crap. This is at a completely different level!  a different thing all together. And you phone keeps buzzing at every text you get. Screaming at you that your message memory is full!!! Delete your texts! And you just can't delete them. These text are nothing special. They aren't funny or memorable like the rest of them. Just simple 'Hi's and 'Hello's. But you can't and won't delete them! WHY?

The fact of the matter is, they shouldn't mean anything to you. And in your head they don't, you know, when you think about it. But it happens. It does.

The good thing, I finally did get rid of them. The excess baggage! Just picked all of them and deleted them. Except one, the special one. At least now everyone is an equal in my inbox. Well, ALMOST. :)

Are things really that easy?

So, are things really that easy? Is it really not so big as we picture it in our heads? Can we really deal with everything that comes our way? a week back or even yesterday, I would have said- No! We need the strength. Not everybody has it in them to deal with the worst of the situations. But ask me today and I would say- HELL YES!!
What does it take? Some time. Some one to vent all the anger out to. Just letting go of the all the clogged up thoughts. Just have them in front of you! All the facts, all the feelings. Everything. Right in front of you, tangibly.
Time. Well, who hasn't heard "time heals all wounds"! I have and so have you. The important questions is how many of us believe that time has such power. Very few. The out and out optimistic ones. Maybe the practical ones too. But for the rest of us, its a little hard to believe until we experience it for ourselves. It may take an year or maybe 3(oh yes, it took me 3 years to get over the way things are) to finally have the load off your chest, to have the freedom of not having every single moment devoted to that one thought or thing, to finally breath. Maybe you just get used to the situation after so much time has passed you by, its just become a part of you. you can LIVE with it now.
Or maybe, quite simply, you realize its not worth it. Eh, doesn't matter, like things would ever be the same, as if they'd get better. No, they won't. What's the point getting upset.
Either of the two cases. But the realization that you don't have to put up with it comes with time. You just let go. You just give up on it all.
Or maybe you talk to some people who listen to you and finally give you a piece of their mind. After all this time being stuck with your own thoughts, your own way of looking at things, a fresh outlook and new perspective might just do the trick(yes, this helped me too). These people, their thoughts they just pull you out. Really. I have a few of them, and I am grateful for that. while letting it all out at once is also a relief, you like the feeling of security you get from knowing someone cares enough to listen to you. You get to make room for a lot of new thoughts too, once you let all the old ones out.

But somehow, even making peace with things, even letting go of them won't let you forget that something like this existed. Its like the scar that a deep cut leaves behind(ooh, now that's a tad bit too dramatic). But yes you  won't forget that any of this happened. It will be there still. But, you won't feel the old familiar feeling of pain anymore. You might even ask yourself- Am I not supposed to get hurt by this? You would. Honestly. I know. I ask myself this. Every time something reminds me of it. But I am all better now.

This can quite simply be a mood swing. The pendulum must've got stuck at the optimistic me, the positive me. I might even get back to my skeptic-self in a matter of hours after writing this. I am aware of this. So, I just felt like putting this thought out so that one day I can make myself believe things aren't always so grey. If I can see the light, if I can see the strength for long enough and make myself believe in it too, then maybe I can make this a more permanent state of mind. But, still a MAYBE.



P.S. Some of my old friends who have known me like this, dealing with stuff, think I am in denial. Thing there is something wrong with me, bigger than this. Its really funny how people won't believe it when you tell them you are a-okay!

Blocked.

BLOCKED. Simple word. Means you don't have access to something or someone. From getting calls blocked to blocking people on facebook. What does it mean?! That you have suddenly stopped existing for the person who blocked you. That they just can't take enough of you anymore.

Or is it just their way of being angry at you! How people get angry and say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore" now, like we used to do in first grade when we had a fight with our friends.

Maybe, it is. Maybe, as things get better, when all the anger diffuses, everyone comes back to each others' lives(until the next fight, of course). But is it that easy? Pick and drop people like that. Its not just facebook you are dealing with. Its not just made up profiles. these are real people, who feel hurt when blocked and happy and relieved when unblocked.

The bigger point is, do the blocked find it as easy to just kick the blocker out! No! Obviously.

well not so obviously. But it doesn't matter much when it is mutual. But when it isn't, that's when the real break comes. Why would friends or whatever part people play in each other's lives want to forget, or completely amputate people they once had something solid with? It makes no sense. Doesn't the past play a part?

And why is it that things always end up getting back to square one. Always. Its a cycle. Honestly. Like nothing ever happened. You don't even acknowledge the existence of something like this happening. Just move on to, "yeah, we're weird". And that's it. Move on. Pick up where we left.

But this time it was different. I have been deleted. I have deleted. But never has it gotten to being blocked on "facebook". So, it feels a little different even coming back.

Like before but with a certain level of indifference. There is no pressure. there is no trying too hard. Its all very laid back. It doesn't feel the same. But then I don't want it to. Because, that's how the trouble starts, right?

I can't decide. This probably confuses someone who knows nothing as to what I am talking about as much as it confuses me! Really. As Vidya would say, "You people are messed up".

Yes, WE ARE WEIRD! WEIRD, INDEED .

I make mistakes

So, here is the thing, quiet honestly, I make mistakes. Tonnes of them. Its generally hard for people to admit to it. They would never take the blame, fight over who's fault it was and then ultimately, not talk to each other for a bunch of weeks until one caves and sheds his/her ego and makes up for the whole issue. But, I have no problem in accepting it(for now, at least). I'm not talking about tiny things like who left the milk out or who crashed the car! I mean big life changing decisions, where the only one accountable is me and the only one who is answerable to is also me! Its between me. The impact of my decision is also being borne by me. Obviously, when it comes to the big decisions there are a lot of things to consider and in turn a lot of things that can screw the whole thing up. It has happened. The momentary feeling of discomfort forces one to consider bringing change in the whole situation, not considering its long term impacts. And oh boy, is it some pain later on! You realize that you made a mistake and then the really tough time starts. Because you don't have to live with just the wrong rearranging you did, there is also the feeling of guilt and regret. Then the constant thinking, what ifs! All night long, eyes wide open, you stare at the ceiling, going over everything that was or could have been and what you made it! Its disturbingly sad. Then comes the next stage, the making peace with your decision stage. It involves trying to make yourself believe in the 'everything happens for a reason' and 'a door closes, a window will open' theories. But, in the end, by depriving yourself of that satisfaction, the happiness , you've deprived yourself of a peace and granted yourself a restless alternate reality. Just have to live with everything it comes with from here on. Accepting that you make mistakes doesn't make much difference. Because no matter who made the mistake, you are still in the same state, there is just one less thing to be upset about, the guilt. :|

I know I didn't finish my last blog. But, now I have lost the string of thoughts so I am finding it a little difficult to get back to it. So, I'll just say that I have a problem fitting in. but then it does nothing to stop me. Its not like I need social interactions to keep me going. I'm pretty independent that way. And I don't exactly believe that I am a loner. Anyway, its nice to be able to connect with people. But still am here to do something monumental, that's what I am concentrating on, for now. :)

I don't have stories

I have no stories to tell. When with my friends and we are all talking about the 'Good-ol-days' I just sit there, cross-legged, gaping open-mouthed listening to the narration of their lives. Marveling at the fun things they did, the meaningful experiences they had. 'Ooh'-ing and 'Aah'-ing at all the right places. But, somehow I miss not being the person who is being marveled at, the person who's stories people laugh at. Its not like my life has been empty, completely deprived of memories and little funny incidences. Its just something that is holding me back from letting it out. I'm aware that its nothing major that I would say. It would all be part of something absolutely normal, like any other person sharing their experiences. but, maybe with the group of new people being the audience I hesitate because I feel what I have to say borders inconsequential. Maybe it doesn't sound as 'cool' as their stories about school and friends and family. I cover this hesitation by labeling my life as boring and blaming hatred for school for not being involved enough to have any stories. But, I know ...........

Aaahh and the bell rings. Have to go. Will complete this later. Ciao!! :)

love hurts

heartbreak is not a everyday thing, nor is it a everybody thing. its for those select few who give themselves up completely to their emotions, eventually to be hurt. and it becomes an everyday thing for those who just can't seem to move on. people might tell them how inane all their wait or anticipation for change in their former beloved's feelings is, but it just doesn't penetrate their emotion clogged brain. and going through the pain of heartbreak is no small feat, my friend. its easier to fight battles, with bare hands, than to tackle a broken heart. boy, gladiators had it easy. things like, 'time heals all wounds' and 'everything happens for a reason' might also be thrown into the pep-talk given to you to make you 'realize' that there is hope. but there isn't. for you its dark, the sun won't come up, the flowers won't bloom and breathing normally becomes a challenge. i'm not being theatrical. this is, in fact, how it feels to be deprived of what you long for, not have what you know is yours, what will make you happy. its gone. puff! in smoke. leaving you staring blankly into nothingness, while your friends try to keep your spirits high by telling you how good you are! the hole in your soul hurts, like a physical wound. there is no painkiller for that. the duration of this pain varies from weeks to forever, engraved in your memory, depending upon the intensity with which you felt for that person. people in love will never dare to love again, afraid, too vulnerable. even after a lot of time has gone by, there are moments, even when life is blissful, that you snap into that state of loss, pain, longing and helplessness that everything becomes depressing.
love hurts.

college

its one of those moments we wait for a long time, anticipating its arrival, daydreaming about it. college. the big change. the first big milestone to our long journey. it gives us a feel of maturity, like we have grown up overnight. the feeling doesn't get to you when you finish your exams, nor when you spend the interim days( between the end of exams and the dreaded result day) at your leisure, hanging out. it hits you the moment you hit the submit button on the result page. the first sighting of your result(no matter how good or bad) puts your brain in a super active state of maturity. things gain importance, career becomes an actual topic for discussion. thinking about which colleges to apply to, which course to choose puts your mind in overdrive. and with the same level of sincerity, if not more, you start filling the forms,submitting applications, preparing for entrances, admission interviews, etcetera. and then the wait starts again, for the cut offs. meanwhile, you exhaust your time discussion with every soul you can find the prospects of your field. you even start looking responsible to your parents, some hard to achieve otherwise. but then, eventually like all bad things, this comes to an end. you get settled into your colleges. only a few days remain till the new chapter begins. you meet your old friends, do the fun things about college like shopping and daydream about what its gonna be like. you are filled with fear and excitement. fear of loosing old friends and excitement of making new ones. but its something that has to happen. no matter how many promises we make about "dude, i'm never gonna forget you", its something that is subjective, depending on the intensity of your friendship and the amount of effort you put in. i sign off with the promise in my heart, made to myself and to my buddies, that i would give it my best to keep you where you are, in my facebook friend list. hahahaha!!! :P

dream

dreaming doesn't always mean the thoughts, images and sounds your mind experiences while in a state of unconsciousness.it also connotes thinking, in a conscious state, about things one desires, places one wants to get to(literal as well as non-literal) and things one wishes to achieve. fulfillment of a dream gives us happiness, no matter how momentary. and essentially, all our actions are directed towards that one thing, happiness, satisfaction, self-actualization. all different words but acknowledging the same feelings.
then why is it that we often let go of our dreams? why we turn traitor to our own happiness? why do we not fight for what gives us what our heart desires? obviously, its never easy. but, what we want are also not simple things. we let go of our dreams because of fear of the world, the fear of rejection, the fear of a bad review. its all about preferences. we give more weight to what others have to say, to the discretion of their criticism than to our own better judgment. sure, when it comes to actual judgment of talent a more experienced and aware critic is not wrong. but, why do we falter, make fear our comrade, give up our courage and murder our dreams! we should do things not always because we have something to prove to the world, but, because it gives us something that nobody's words or praise would, peace.
if you have passion, no matter at what level of learning you are at, one day you will get where you want to. petty commentary and let downs shouldn't be the glue holding you together with the object of your desire. it should be the love and the longing and the drive to achieve what you want to that pushes you forward, makes you get up every morning, put on a brave face despite the criticism and get what you want. then only would one be able to achieve the happiness desired, unobstructed, pure and glorious.

and so, i won't give up on my music.