Its a process

Life gives you a lot to learn from. And they aren't always bad things.  It won't always push you into the darkness, to see you falter and fail and crash and burn. No. Its smart enough to know how someone can, after a while, easily make peace with the deep ditches of life, accepting it as it is. For someone who doesn't know a happy life, someone who doesn't know what it is to be complete and someone who has seen no kindness, doesn't know what life is cheating them of and what its depriving them of and what it gives them in return. The desolation, the feeling of being alone yet always in search of the thing that makes you complete and the hard hand of the world pushing you down and forcing you to stay there is something they can't identitfy or maybe not even be aware of such complexities. Is it for the better or for worse?
I don't know the answer to that for I find myself in a different position. And it is for the worse.

  imagine walking into your favorite pizza place, all excited to have your favorite meal after ages. You sit down at the table, pretend to look at the menu card. You knew what you were going to order right from the moment you decided to come. You order. You're happy. Talking to your people. You can't wait for that first bite. Yadayadayada. And then the waiter comes and tells you how extremely sorry he is but they're all out of the dish you ordered. BAM! Everything around you stops. All these bubbles of happiness around you come crashing down. Now do note that you've been dying to have this meal for a long time.
   imagine a situation when when you randomly end up at a bakery because you were passing it by. You walk in. The place smells nice. But it makes no difference to you. You see a chocolate Danish in the display and you order. You had no desire to have that Danish. You entered the bakery on a whim and ordered whatever appealed to the eye. Then the same story. The waiter tells you they're out of fresh Danish. What do you do? You order something else. Another random pick. How do You feel? Same as when you entered.
   the difference is knowing what you're missing out on. Had you not been expecting a brilliant meal, had you not known of it, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. Just like the Danish. And that's what makes grief so much harder to deal with for people who have seen better days. You know how easily things could have been different. Or what the possibilities are. You know what it feels like to be with someone you love and care about and what it feels like when reciprocated. That's why the indifference, from the same people or even different people but in a different people time, hits you so much harder. You know what its like to be talked to nicely and being taken care of or you have the realisation of how to do it that's why people not coming through cuts deeper. You feel miserable because you know what it feels like to not be so have things the right way.

You, my friend, led a different life. And the failed attempts of returning to it is what breaks you down. You want so badly to get back to it, you'd crawl on all fours to have it back, scratch incessantly at the door that's been bolted shut. Its frustrating. but its never gonna work. Nothing you do Will change things that aren't in your hands and in fact nothing is ever in your hands. You'd keep sinking deeper into the mess you think your life is till the time you forget the happiness, the kindness and the completeness. And then you'd be the first kind of people. Who wouldn't be so under the situation's control. You would make a deal, shake indifference's hand in return.of no hurt in the future. And then once that happens there is a chance for you to get better. There's a chance for you to pull yourself out of the mess and, I won't say live a happier person, but at least not live in morbidity. Not expecting anything good to come up. Not putting yourself up for disappointment. so I guess its not that bad a thing. Maybe this is how you make your bones, of sorts. Winning your armor. Silver lining.

In the morning

Do you ever wake up questioning the turn of events in your life? Just wake up with that sort of a sinking feeling resonating from deep within you and leaving you cold. Without any provocation by something this feeling just creeps up and falls heavy on you the moment you take your first conscious breath of morning. Its hard to shake off that feeling. Its hard to ignore the questions.

This is what hits me at 3 am!

Do you ever notice the strange dark humor in the tragedies of life? Something almost mocking you for being in the dark deep pit if the terrible circumstances you find yourself in?
   Sometimes when you find yourself as a victim of someone's frustration or anger a faint smile crosses your face. like you're amused by how preposterous and unrealistic things are in that moment.
   THAT dark humor. and that's also when you're helpless. you cant even understand it enough to say something. your mouth just hangs open and no words come out, bewildered.
  and even though it happens a lot you're never quite prepared for it. the expression remains pretty much the same every time. you're the weak one. so nothing you say or do would change the other person. and so you find yourself stuck. at the end of the rope. so what do you do ? keep holding on to the end of the rope like a textbook optimist seeing light at the end of the dark depressing tunnel? or do you let go? relieve yourself of the pain?
   everyone would have a different interpretation of 'letting go'. but mind you, what i am talking about doesn't come close to what any optimist might come up with. my interpretation has a greater affinity for the negative one, much closer to a hardcore pessimist's.
     but i'm not a total fool. as easy an escape route as popping pills and slicing wrists(painful)sounds it really defeats the purpose of escaping. you would wish to escape sadness, to be happy. but then you wont be around to feel even that if you follow such an 'exit strategy'.
  i'm not a glass-half-full kind of a person, either.so i know sticking around in such a helpless situation doesnt really help you achieve the seemingly simple goals of peace and happiness. going through all this doesn't really let you live either. so purpose defeated. yet again.
    so you see how no matter what option you choose you'd end up depressed and eventually just create an air of morbidity around you. now that's appealing to people!
    its a struggle, a struggle with no actual benefits. but the whole thing still sort of makes me smile. 

because panvi asked me to post this

i turn around and look back and see what happened, i see why it happened, i see how it happened. The vividness of it after so many years is astounding. So is the lesson learnt. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what I learnt. The intensity of the fear is astounding. so is the nature of it. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what i fear. how the nightmares of a child gets transformed into the fear of a grown woman is astounding. so is the monster. 

i turn around and look ahead and see what is happening. I see what i have. the love that surrounds the grown woman is astounding. so are the people in her life. 

"Ah, the infamous indifference "

this is an old one. I am just posting it today.

Sometimes when I am just sitting there, fiddling with my phone, basically bored out of my skull and I look though to my contact list I see so many people there. As I scroll through the names, all familiar (obviously, barring a few), it makes me think. There have been so many people who have been important to me at one point. I'd talk to them all day long and they'd be the first ones who'd come to mind when I had something to share(good or bad). My go-to people, so to speak. And now they are just not connected to me. And to no fault of their own, I must tell you. 

I have this tendency it seems to have strong connections with people. So, strong that we'd become inseparable. It would be a thing as impossible as pigs flying that we would become mere acquittance at some point of time. but then the "strong" connection just breaks off. I find it difficult to tolerate the person, the sound of their voice puts me on edge. Its in-affable how it happens. But it does. Its like a pattern I follow. I talk to them a lot at one point, we become best of friends and then something happens  and then "pfft" its gone. Indifference. 

The concern is gone. The need to talk to that person is gone. My life isn't incomplete without them anymore. its like they have fulfilled their purpose. 

 So, what is it? Do I out-grow them? No. I don't think that is it. Do I get bored of them? Maybe. Or is it just one of those things that kids go through, getting attracted to a shiny new toy. 

It sounds bad. I know.is it just that when the mystery of one person unfolds in front of me I lose interest. There is nothing more to them for me. 

then there are two

 I see now the two chunks of my life. One is where I am a part of something that is old, something familiar to me, something I have spent my whole life (the 19 years) getting accustomed to. It has people I have known either since childhood or at least around a decade. It has people who have seen me grow up and also mature as a person. And I have been there for all their moments, too. They know my story. They know what I am, why I am like that. There is a certain kind of comfort with these people. Freedom, perhaps. The freedom to act the way I want to, say the things I want to, without the fear or lets say, the thought of what impression I'd make on them crossing my mind. 

Still, there is such a thing as being part of something and then there is belonging somewhere. The two don't always happen simultaneously for most people. But, why is it that even though acceptance is there, comfort and freedom is there, you don't feel you belong in this group of people you have known for almost two decades? You roam around with this band of people, talking, sharing, happy too, in fact. But always feeling a little complete. Something missing in everything. Is it because you aren't with the right people? Or because you aren't challenged enough. You have things to say, express but no one to understand those things, no one to inspire you or motivate you out of all those who surround you. 

Its all well and good that they were your pillars all the way, helping you out and everything else that friends do. And you've been there, too. you love these people. You take the liberty of speaking your heart without the thought of saying it wrong. they are a part of you and will always be. Some of them would be the most important part of your being, they define you, they have made you what you are. Probably, that's why you are a hundred percent you with them. How can you be conscious or worried around yourself, right? Quite contradictory it sounds, them being you and then you not belonging. I realise that. That's why all the questions, my friend. But, I'll never lose them. They'll stay, no matter what. 

And then there is this whole other chunk of people and places. The new part of your life. Here you enter with hope. This is going to give you what you want. this is going to erase all traces of in-affable alienation you've felt all through your life. This is going to be you. And really, it doesn't take long to realise when you have met those people who will give you that. But then, there is a catch. Blending in. Now the trouble isn't belonging somewhere, the trouble here is being able to be a part of it. That takes courage. Courage might be a big word, used for the likes of soldiers and people who battle over radical issues. But, this is somehow your battle so it works in this context, as well.  

I see how difficult it is one to try fitting into a group of people, a group that is already defined or in the process of defining itself. There is fear, here. There is insecurity. There is the thought of saying things right and saying the right things. The boundaries are uncertain. These people don't know you. They don't know your story. They don't know why you act the way you do, why you shy away from certain things. They just know what they see. But if you want something, if your heart calls out to these people, this new chunk, then you have to jump in, with all the fear, with all the insecurity. Earn your place. 

Who knows in the next 19 years these people could be my pillars, these people could be the ones I share with and the ones I am not afraid around, the ones I know would stay.