What do you do when you let go of something because the dynamics are all wrong and after all your efforts it just never fixes itself or gets fixed? And when you let it go you're miserable.  You want it back.  Even if it is the way it was before. You can't do without it. And one fine day it comes back. And you're glad. But then there's no acknowledgement.  You don't know if its actually back. It seems like its back with an exit strategy.  That's why the idea of a clear cut statement never materialises.  what do you do if it goes back to being the same as before but without the fix it needed. What if you still face the same problem with it.  What if you're so afraid to rock the boat again that you're unable to even say what's bothering you like you could before. What if the idea of letting it go crosses your mind again?  WHAT DO YOU DO?

I know this day seems unreal but then every big change in life is unreal at first. I don't know what brought this on. if what I did was the cause or just a push. or was it something that made you snap, because of your baggage. if the friendship we had was ever true then no matter how many chances it would have needed you would have given them to me to make it work, to fix it. but slowly with every failed attempt I make, every time you reject me, every time you reinforce that wall it seems like its you, not me. this has only very little to do with me. maybe this is your baggage . something you're finding hard to deal with.
what am I supposed to do? try and break that wall? keep waiting outside your door? I am doing that. I've tried a million times to climb over the barbed wire fence you've put around you, I've been hurt in the effort. I've bled. I've cried in pain. I've been weak and I've become stronger. but I still find it hard to find the strength to let you go. to find it in myself to accept this and me on. I'm supposed to, eventually. I'm not sure if I should. if something hurt you so bad I should help you. I should barge in, break the door down, take your hand, stand beside you and help you through it. but I'm not sure if that is what you want. so I'm not gonna break the door down. I'm not going to intrude. but I'm still there, outside, sitting on the porch, waiting by the barbed wire fence and the hungry growling dogs you've kept to keep me out, until you decide to let me in. I'm never leaving. I'll start my own life separate from you, but still a small space in my heart and mind and life for the possibility of you coming back.

the truth is I Will never trust you again, the truth is I Will never tell you what or how I feel, at least not if its something that would require support from you, the truth is I Will never lean on you or cry on your shoulder . then what is it that I'm waiting for? if there is goin to be no truth in our friendship? maybe I want to give back. maybe I want to give you the opportunity to trust me, to tell me how you really feel deep down so I can be your support system, to be the shoulder that'll always be there for you to cry on, full of warmth and love. maybe i want to show you how its done . to show you even after someone makes mistakes, even after someone breaks your heart into a million pieces and leaves you on your own to put it back together you can still love them, you can still have faith enough to sow the torn bits together looking forward to a full recovery. but what good is all this thought and commitment and faith if you never want to learn. not good at all, my love, not good at all.

Its a process

Life gives you a lot to learn from. And they aren't always bad things.  It won't always push you into the darkness, to see you falter and fail and crash and burn. No. Its smart enough to know how someone can, after a while, easily make peace with the deep ditches of life, accepting it as it is. For someone who doesn't know a happy life, someone who doesn't know what it is to be complete and someone who has seen no kindness, doesn't know what life is cheating them of and what its depriving them of and what it gives them in return. The desolation, the feeling of being alone yet always in search of the thing that makes you complete and the hard hand of the world pushing you down and forcing you to stay there is something they can't identitfy or maybe not even be aware of such complexities. Is it for the better or for worse?
I don't know the answer to that for I find myself in a different position. And it is for the worse.

  imagine walking into your favorite pizza place, all excited to have your favorite meal after ages. You sit down at the table, pretend to look at the menu card. You knew what you were going to order right from the moment you decided to come. You order. You're happy. Talking to your people. You can't wait for that first bite. Yadayadayada. And then the waiter comes and tells you how extremely sorry he is but they're all out of the dish you ordered. BAM! Everything around you stops. All these bubbles of happiness around you come crashing down. Now do note that you've been dying to have this meal for a long time.
   imagine a situation when when you randomly end up at a bakery because you were passing it by. You walk in. The place smells nice. But it makes no difference to you. You see a chocolate Danish in the display and you order. You had no desire to have that Danish. You entered the bakery on a whim and ordered whatever appealed to the eye. Then the same story. The waiter tells you they're out of fresh Danish. What do you do? You order something else. Another random pick. How do You feel? Same as when you entered.
   the difference is knowing what you're missing out on. Had you not been expecting a brilliant meal, had you not known of it, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. Just like the Danish. And that's what makes grief so much harder to deal with for people who have seen better days. You know how easily things could have been different. Or what the possibilities are. You know what it feels like to be with someone you love and care about and what it feels like when reciprocated. That's why the indifference, from the same people or even different people but in a different people time, hits you so much harder. You know what its like to be talked to nicely and being taken care of or you have the realisation of how to do it that's why people not coming through cuts deeper. You feel miserable because you know what it feels like to not be so have things the right way.

You, my friend, led a different life. And the failed attempts of returning to it is what breaks you down. You want so badly to get back to it, you'd crawl on all fours to have it back, scratch incessantly at the door that's been bolted shut. Its frustrating. but its never gonna work. Nothing you do Will change things that aren't in your hands and in fact nothing is ever in your hands. You'd keep sinking deeper into the mess you think your life is till the time you forget the happiness, the kindness and the completeness. And then you'd be the first kind of people. Who wouldn't be so under the situation's control. You would make a deal, shake indifference's hand in return.of no hurt in the future. And then once that happens there is a chance for you to get better. There's a chance for you to pull yourself out of the mess and, I won't say live a happier person, but at least not live in morbidity. Not expecting anything good to come up. Not putting yourself up for disappointment. so I guess its not that bad a thing. Maybe this is how you make your bones, of sorts. Winning your armor. Silver lining.

In the morning

Do you ever wake up questioning the turn of events in your life? Just wake up with that sort of a sinking feeling resonating from deep within you and leaving you cold. Without any provocation by something this feeling just creeps up and falls heavy on you the moment you take your first conscious breath of morning. Its hard to shake off that feeling. Its hard to ignore the questions.

This is what hits me at 3 am!

Do you ever notice the strange dark humor in the tragedies of life? Something almost mocking you for being in the dark deep pit if the terrible circumstances you find yourself in?
   Sometimes when you find yourself as a victim of someone's frustration or anger a faint smile crosses your face. like you're amused by how preposterous and unrealistic things are in that moment.
   THAT dark humor. and that's also when you're helpless. you cant even understand it enough to say something. your mouth just hangs open and no words come out, bewildered.
  and even though it happens a lot you're never quite prepared for it. the expression remains pretty much the same every time. you're the weak one. so nothing you say or do would change the other person. and so you find yourself stuck. at the end of the rope. so what do you do ? keep holding on to the end of the rope like a textbook optimist seeing light at the end of the dark depressing tunnel? or do you let go? relieve yourself of the pain?
   everyone would have a different interpretation of 'letting go'. but mind you, what i am talking about doesn't come close to what any optimist might come up with. my interpretation has a greater affinity for the negative one, much closer to a hardcore pessimist's.
     but i'm not a total fool. as easy an escape route as popping pills and slicing wrists(painful)sounds it really defeats the purpose of escaping. you would wish to escape sadness, to be happy. but then you wont be around to feel even that if you follow such an 'exit strategy'.
  i'm not a glass-half-full kind of a person, either.so i know sticking around in such a helpless situation doesnt really help you achieve the seemingly simple goals of peace and happiness. going through all this doesn't really let you live either. so purpose defeated. yet again.
    so you see how no matter what option you choose you'd end up depressed and eventually just create an air of morbidity around you. now that's appealing to people!
    its a struggle, a struggle with no actual benefits. but the whole thing still sort of makes me smile. 

because panvi asked me to post this

i turn around and look back and see what happened, i see why it happened, i see how it happened. The vividness of it after so many years is astounding. So is the lesson learnt. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what I learnt. The intensity of the fear is astounding. so is the nature of it. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what i fear. how the nightmares of a child gets transformed into the fear of a grown woman is astounding. so is the monster. 

i turn around and look ahead and see what is happening. I see what i have. the love that surrounds the grown woman is astounding. so are the people in her life.