I make mistakes

So, here is the thing, quiet honestly, I make mistakes. Tonnes of them. Its generally hard for people to admit to it. They would never take the blame, fight over who's fault it was and then ultimately, not talk to each other for a bunch of weeks until one caves and sheds his/her ego and makes up for the whole issue. But, I have no problem in accepting it(for now, at least). I'm not talking about tiny things like who left the milk out or who crashed the car! I mean big life changing decisions, where the only one accountable is me and the only one who is answerable to is also me! Its between me. The impact of my decision is also being borne by me. Obviously, when it comes to the big decisions there are a lot of things to consider and in turn a lot of things that can screw the whole thing up. It has happened. The momentary feeling of discomfort forces one to consider bringing change in the whole situation, not considering its long term impacts. And oh boy, is it some pain later on! You realize that you made a mistake and then the really tough time starts. Because you don't have to live with just the wrong rearranging you did, there is also the feeling of guilt and regret. Then the constant thinking, what ifs! All night long, eyes wide open, you stare at the ceiling, going over everything that was or could have been and what you made it! Its disturbingly sad. Then comes the next stage, the making peace with your decision stage. It involves trying to make yourself believe in the 'everything happens for a reason' and 'a door closes, a window will open' theories. But, in the end, by depriving yourself of that satisfaction, the happiness , you've deprived yourself of a peace and granted yourself a restless alternate reality. Just have to live with everything it comes with from here on. Accepting that you make mistakes doesn't make much difference. Because no matter who made the mistake, you are still in the same state, there is just one less thing to be upset about, the guilt. :|

I know I didn't finish my last blog. But, now I have lost the string of thoughts so I am finding it a little difficult to get back to it. So, I'll just say that I have a problem fitting in. but then it does nothing to stop me. Its not like I need social interactions to keep me going. I'm pretty independent that way. And I don't exactly believe that I am a loner. Anyway, its nice to be able to connect with people. But still am here to do something monumental, that's what I am concentrating on, for now. :)

I don't have stories

I have no stories to tell. When with my friends and we are all talking about the 'Good-ol-days' I just sit there, cross-legged, gaping open-mouthed listening to the narration of their lives. Marveling at the fun things they did, the meaningful experiences they had. 'Ooh'-ing and 'Aah'-ing at all the right places. But, somehow I miss not being the person who is being marveled at, the person who's stories people laugh at. Its not like my life has been empty, completely deprived of memories and little funny incidences. Its just something that is holding me back from letting it out. I'm aware that its nothing major that I would say. It would all be part of something absolutely normal, like any other person sharing their experiences. but, maybe with the group of new people being the audience I hesitate because I feel what I have to say borders inconsequential. Maybe it doesn't sound as 'cool' as their stories about school and friends and family. I cover this hesitation by labeling my life as boring and blaming hatred for school for not being involved enough to have any stories. But, I know ...........

Aaahh and the bell rings. Have to go. Will complete this later. Ciao!! :)

love hurts

heartbreak is not a everyday thing, nor is it a everybody thing. its for those select few who give themselves up completely to their emotions, eventually to be hurt. and it becomes an everyday thing for those who just can't seem to move on. people might tell them how inane all their wait or anticipation for change in their former beloved's feelings is, but it just doesn't penetrate their emotion clogged brain. and going through the pain of heartbreak is no small feat, my friend. its easier to fight battles, with bare hands, than to tackle a broken heart. boy, gladiators had it easy. things like, 'time heals all wounds' and 'everything happens for a reason' might also be thrown into the pep-talk given to you to make you 'realize' that there is hope. but there isn't. for you its dark, the sun won't come up, the flowers won't bloom and breathing normally becomes a challenge. i'm not being theatrical. this is, in fact, how it feels to be deprived of what you long for, not have what you know is yours, what will make you happy. its gone. puff! in smoke. leaving you staring blankly into nothingness, while your friends try to keep your spirits high by telling you how good you are! the hole in your soul hurts, like a physical wound. there is no painkiller for that. the duration of this pain varies from weeks to forever, engraved in your memory, depending upon the intensity with which you felt for that person. people in love will never dare to love again, afraid, too vulnerable. even after a lot of time has gone by, there are moments, even when life is blissful, that you snap into that state of loss, pain, longing and helplessness that everything becomes depressing.
love hurts.

college

its one of those moments we wait for a long time, anticipating its arrival, daydreaming about it. college. the big change. the first big milestone to our long journey. it gives us a feel of maturity, like we have grown up overnight. the feeling doesn't get to you when you finish your exams, nor when you spend the interim days( between the end of exams and the dreaded result day) at your leisure, hanging out. it hits you the moment you hit the submit button on the result page. the first sighting of your result(no matter how good or bad) puts your brain in a super active state of maturity. things gain importance, career becomes an actual topic for discussion. thinking about which colleges to apply to, which course to choose puts your mind in overdrive. and with the same level of sincerity, if not more, you start filling the forms,submitting applications, preparing for entrances, admission interviews, etcetera. and then the wait starts again, for the cut offs. meanwhile, you exhaust your time discussion with every soul you can find the prospects of your field. you even start looking responsible to your parents, some hard to achieve otherwise. but then, eventually like all bad things, this comes to an end. you get settled into your colleges. only a few days remain till the new chapter begins. you meet your old friends, do the fun things about college like shopping and daydream about what its gonna be like. you are filled with fear and excitement. fear of loosing old friends and excitement of making new ones. but its something that has to happen. no matter how many promises we make about "dude, i'm never gonna forget you", its something that is subjective, depending on the intensity of your friendship and the amount of effort you put in. i sign off with the promise in my heart, made to myself and to my buddies, that i would give it my best to keep you where you are, in my facebook friend list. hahahaha!!! :P

dream

dreaming doesn't always mean the thoughts, images and sounds your mind experiences while in a state of unconsciousness.it also connotes thinking, in a conscious state, about things one desires, places one wants to get to(literal as well as non-literal) and things one wishes to achieve. fulfillment of a dream gives us happiness, no matter how momentary. and essentially, all our actions are directed towards that one thing, happiness, satisfaction, self-actualization. all different words but acknowledging the same feelings.
then why is it that we often let go of our dreams? why we turn traitor to our own happiness? why do we not fight for what gives us what our heart desires? obviously, its never easy. but, what we want are also not simple things. we let go of our dreams because of fear of the world, the fear of rejection, the fear of a bad review. its all about preferences. we give more weight to what others have to say, to the discretion of their criticism than to our own better judgment. sure, when it comes to actual judgment of talent a more experienced and aware critic is not wrong. but, why do we falter, make fear our comrade, give up our courage and murder our dreams! we should do things not always because we have something to prove to the world, but, because it gives us something that nobody's words or praise would, peace.
if you have passion, no matter at what level of learning you are at, one day you will get where you want to. petty commentary and let downs shouldn't be the glue holding you together with the object of your desire. it should be the love and the longing and the drive to achieve what you want to that pushes you forward, makes you get up every morning, put on a brave face despite the criticism and get what you want. then only would one be able to achieve the happiness desired, unobstructed, pure and glorious.

and so, i won't give up on my music.