This is what hits me at 3 am!

Do you ever notice the strange dark humor in the tragedies of life? Something almost mocking you for being in the dark deep pit if the terrible circumstances you find yourself in?
   Sometimes when you find yourself as a victim of someone's frustration or anger a faint smile crosses your face. like you're amused by how preposterous and unrealistic things are in that moment.
   THAT dark humor. and that's also when you're helpless. you cant even understand it enough to say something. your mouth just hangs open and no words come out, bewildered.
  and even though it happens a lot you're never quite prepared for it. the expression remains pretty much the same every time. you're the weak one. so nothing you say or do would change the other person. and so you find yourself stuck. at the end of the rope. so what do you do ? keep holding on to the end of the rope like a textbook optimist seeing light at the end of the dark depressing tunnel? or do you let go? relieve yourself of the pain?
   everyone would have a different interpretation of 'letting go'. but mind you, what i am talking about doesn't come close to what any optimist might come up with. my interpretation has a greater affinity for the negative one, much closer to a hardcore pessimist's.
     but i'm not a total fool. as easy an escape route as popping pills and slicing wrists(painful)sounds it really defeats the purpose of escaping. you would wish to escape sadness, to be happy. but then you wont be around to feel even that if you follow such an 'exit strategy'.
  i'm not a glass-half-full kind of a person, either.so i know sticking around in such a helpless situation doesnt really help you achieve the seemingly simple goals of peace and happiness. going through all this doesn't really let you live either. so purpose defeated. yet again.
    so you see how no matter what option you choose you'd end up depressed and eventually just create an air of morbidity around you. now that's appealing to people!
    its a struggle, a struggle with no actual benefits. but the whole thing still sort of makes me smile. 

because panvi asked me to post this

i turn around and look back and see what happened, i see why it happened, i see how it happened. The vividness of it after so many years is astounding. So is the lesson learnt. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what I learnt. The intensity of the fear is astounding. so is the nature of it. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what i fear. how the nightmares of a child gets transformed into the fear of a grown woman is astounding. so is the monster. 

i turn around and look ahead and see what is happening. I see what i have. the love that surrounds the grown woman is astounding. so are the people in her life. 

"Ah, the infamous indifference "

this is an old one. I am just posting it today.

Sometimes when I am just sitting there, fiddling with my phone, basically bored out of my skull and I look though to my contact list I see so many people there. As I scroll through the names, all familiar (obviously, barring a few), it makes me think. There have been so many people who have been important to me at one point. I'd talk to them all day long and they'd be the first ones who'd come to mind when I had something to share(good or bad). My go-to people, so to speak. And now they are just not connected to me. And to no fault of their own, I must tell you. 

I have this tendency it seems to have strong connections with people. So, strong that we'd become inseparable. It would be a thing as impossible as pigs flying that we would become mere acquittance at some point of time. but then the "strong" connection just breaks off. I find it difficult to tolerate the person, the sound of their voice puts me on edge. Its in-affable how it happens. But it does. Its like a pattern I follow. I talk to them a lot at one point, we become best of friends and then something happens  and then "pfft" its gone. Indifference. 

The concern is gone. The need to talk to that person is gone. My life isn't incomplete without them anymore. its like they have fulfilled their purpose. 

 So, what is it? Do I out-grow them? No. I don't think that is it. Do I get bored of them? Maybe. Or is it just one of those things that kids go through, getting attracted to a shiny new toy. 

It sounds bad. I know.is it just that when the mystery of one person unfolds in front of me I lose interest. There is nothing more to them for me. 

then there are two

 I see now the two chunks of my life. One is where I am a part of something that is old, something familiar to me, something I have spent my whole life (the 19 years) getting accustomed to. It has people I have known either since childhood or at least around a decade. It has people who have seen me grow up and also mature as a person. And I have been there for all their moments, too. They know my story. They know what I am, why I am like that. There is a certain kind of comfort with these people. Freedom, perhaps. The freedom to act the way I want to, say the things I want to, without the fear or lets say, the thought of what impression I'd make on them crossing my mind. 

Still, there is such a thing as being part of something and then there is belonging somewhere. The two don't always happen simultaneously for most people. But, why is it that even though acceptance is there, comfort and freedom is there, you don't feel you belong in this group of people you have known for almost two decades? You roam around with this band of people, talking, sharing, happy too, in fact. But always feeling a little complete. Something missing in everything. Is it because you aren't with the right people? Or because you aren't challenged enough. You have things to say, express but no one to understand those things, no one to inspire you or motivate you out of all those who surround you. 

Its all well and good that they were your pillars all the way, helping you out and everything else that friends do. And you've been there, too. you love these people. You take the liberty of speaking your heart without the thought of saying it wrong. they are a part of you and will always be. Some of them would be the most important part of your being, they define you, they have made you what you are. Probably, that's why you are a hundred percent you with them. How can you be conscious or worried around yourself, right? Quite contradictory it sounds, them being you and then you not belonging. I realise that. That's why all the questions, my friend. But, I'll never lose them. They'll stay, no matter what. 

And then there is this whole other chunk of people and places. The new part of your life. Here you enter with hope. This is going to give you what you want. this is going to erase all traces of in-affable alienation you've felt all through your life. This is going to be you. And really, it doesn't take long to realise when you have met those people who will give you that. But then, there is a catch. Blending in. Now the trouble isn't belonging somewhere, the trouble here is being able to be a part of it. That takes courage. Courage might be a big word, used for the likes of soldiers and people who battle over radical issues. But, this is somehow your battle so it works in this context, as well.  

I see how difficult it is one to try fitting into a group of people, a group that is already defined or in the process of defining itself. There is fear, here. There is insecurity. There is the thought of saying things right and saying the right things. The boundaries are uncertain. These people don't know you. They don't know your story. They don't know why you act the way you do, why you shy away from certain things. They just know what they see. But if you want something, if your heart calls out to these people, this new chunk, then you have to jump in, with all the fear, with all the insecurity. Earn your place. 

Who knows in the next 19 years these people could be my pillars, these people could be the ones I share with and the ones I am not afraid around, the ones I know would stay. 

I have something to say too!

is communication all that important? Isn't sometimes its just better to just shut up and not say a thing? Sometimes silence helps solve a lot of issues. But imagine this, every time that you try to speak up, make a point you are pushed down!! You aren't allowed to come up with your side of the story? What do you do then? If you do say something it'll turn into something bigger and uglier than it already is. Then what? Isn't it frustrating?

lets start with the problem. You have something in your mind which is troubling you and you know saying it might hurt the other person, or the person might not take it in the right spirit. What do you do? Do you not say it and just keep the anger inside, let it grow and manifest? That'd make you go crazy. But will not lead to any verbal or physical confrontations.
Or, do you say it? Just the way you feel it. Just as the words come into your mind and onto your tongue. Now justifications are fine. Its a little unclear to me how the talking process changes into the screaming one! Its generally a very quick change of moods in the room. And then I scream and then everybody else screams. Nobody is listening to anyone! Age old problems and all the petty issues from the past come into the picture! Blah...blah...blah...
Then you bang you respective doors and let a few tears slip. What happened here? There was the obvious initiation of communication. But it didn't solve anything. Why? Because everyone around here is so fixated on the idea that what I did was right and I can never be wrong. (I'm not ALWAYS an exception to that). But the worst part is they aren't ready to even consider the idea or let anyone try to show them how they can be right too.

Okay... this isn't going well... I can't write this properly without actual describing the whole incident(s). no right and wrong would come out of just hypothetical situations. :|

Radhika Tanwar- we care!

Its sad what has happened. But what is worse is people making this an issue about women protection! What happened with Radhika had nothing to do with her gender.   Nobody could have possibly known that so-and-so guy is armed and planning to shoot her. Nobody could have stopped it from happening once the guy had decided on it. Our "protection" isn't the issue here. Because there is hardly anything anyone can do about psychos roaming around shooting someone. Unless people want us to roam around delhi wearing bullet-proof vests. Or have 5 police men as body-guards for each one of us, everywhere we go. These are just unrealistic solutions to a problem. Sheila Dixit can't do a thing about it. Even if people expect her to take a bullet for someone then too she needs to know about it!! Really the whole problem is because we let people like this 22 or so year old guy be armed! Their families, for reasons that i can't fathom, give them power and freedom enough to actually have the guts to shoot another person, take a life. What kind of a twisted "kid" would do such a thing? And why a 20 something has a gun or feels the need to steal one to kill someone is beyond me!

If anything, regulate the laws regarding possession of firearms. Ask people who have guns at home to not let your children have the impression that its for taking lives. Its for self-defense!!

Also, people aren't scared enough by our current law and order status. Anybody with political connections or money can get away with anything. that needs to change and quickly. And yes we are back to the root of all OUR(Indians) problems- CORRUPTION!! Damn!! There is no missing it, right?

But the point is, lets not make this about women safety or drag this into the political war zone. Just simply prick the conscience of the people have the power to punish the person who did such a thing and not let him get away!