Mom

What do you do when you let go of something because the dynamics are all wrong and after all your efforts it just never fixes itself or gets fixed? And when you let it go you're miserable.  You want it back.  Even if it is the way it was before. You can't do without it. And one fine day it comes back. And you're glad. But then there's no acknowledgement.  You don't know if its actually back. It seems like its back with an exit strategy.  That's why the idea of a clear cut statement never materialises.  what do you do if it goes back to being the same as before but without the fix it needed. What if you still face the same problem with it.  What if you're so afraid to rock the boat again that you're unable to even say what's bothering you like you could before. What if the idea of letting it go crosses your mind again?  WHAT DO YOU DO?

I know this day seems unreal but then every big change in life is unreal at first. I don't know what brought this on. if what I did was the cause or just a push. or was it something that made you snap, because of your baggage. if the friendship we had was ever true then no matter how many chances it would have needed you would have given them to me to make it work, to fix it. but slowly with every failed attempt I make, every time you reject me, every time you reinforce that wall it seems like its you, not me. this has only very little to do with me. maybe this is your baggage . something you're finding hard to deal with.
what am I supposed to do? try and break that wall? keep waiting outside your door? I am doing that. I've tried a million times to climb over the barbed wire fence you've put around you, I've been hurt in the effort. I've bled. I've cried in pain. I've been weak and I've become stronger. but I still find it hard to find the strength to let you go. to find it in myself to accept this and me on. I'm supposed to, eventually. I'm not sure if I should. if something hurt you so bad I should help you. I should barge in, break the door down, take your hand, stand beside you and help you through it. but I'm not sure if that is what you want. so I'm not gonna break the door down. I'm not going to intrude. but I'm still there, outside, sitting on the porch, waiting by the barbed wire fence and the hungry growling dogs you've kept to keep me out, until you decide to let me in. I'm never leaving. I'll start my own life separate from you, but still a small space in my heart and mind and life for the possibility of you coming back.

the truth is I Will never trust you again, the truth is I Will never tell you what or how I feel, at least not if its something that would require support from you, the truth is I Will never lean on you or cry on your shoulder . then what is it that I'm waiting for? if there is goin to be no truth in our friendship? maybe I want to give back. maybe I want to give you the opportunity to trust me, to tell me how you really feel deep down so I can be your support system, to be the shoulder that'll always be there for you to cry on, full of warmth and love. maybe i want to show you how its done . to show you even after someone makes mistakes, even after someone breaks your heart into a million pieces and leaves you on your own to put it back together you can still love them, you can still have faith enough to sow the torn bits together looking forward to a full recovery. but what good is all this thought and commitment and faith if you never want to learn. not good at all, my love, not good at all.

Its a process

Life gives you a lot to learn from. And they aren't always bad things.  It won't always push you into the darkness, to see you falter and fail and crash and burn. No. Its smart enough to know how someone can, after a while, easily make peace with the deep ditches of life, accepting it as it is. For someone who doesn't know a happy life, someone who doesn't know what it is to be complete and someone who has seen no kindness, doesn't know what life is cheating them of and what its depriving them of and what it gives them in return. The desolation, the feeling of being alone yet always in search of the thing that makes you complete and the hard hand of the world pushing you down and forcing you to stay there is something they can't identitfy or maybe not even be aware of such complexities. Is it for the better or for worse?
I don't know the answer to that for I find myself in a different position. And it is for the worse.

  imagine walking into your favorite pizza place, all excited to have your favorite meal after ages. You sit down at the table, pretend to look at the menu card. You knew what you were going to order right from the moment you decided to come. You order. You're happy. Talking to your people. You can't wait for that first bite. Yadayadayada. And then the waiter comes and tells you how extremely sorry he is but they're all out of the dish you ordered. BAM! Everything around you stops. All these bubbles of happiness around you come crashing down. Now do note that you've been dying to have this meal for a long time.
   imagine a situation when when you randomly end up at a bakery because you were passing it by. You walk in. The place smells nice. But it makes no difference to you. You see a chocolate Danish in the display and you order. You had no desire to have that Danish. You entered the bakery on a whim and ordered whatever appealed to the eye. Then the same story. The waiter tells you they're out of fresh Danish. What do you do? You order something else. Another random pick. How do You feel? Same as when you entered.
   the difference is knowing what you're missing out on. Had you not been expecting a brilliant meal, had you not known of it, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. Just like the Danish. And that's what makes grief so much harder to deal with for people who have seen better days. You know how easily things could have been different. Or what the possibilities are. You know what it feels like to be with someone you love and care about and what it feels like when reciprocated. That's why the indifference, from the same people or even different people but in a different people time, hits you so much harder. You know what its like to be talked to nicely and being taken care of or you have the realisation of how to do it that's why people not coming through cuts deeper. You feel miserable because you know what it feels like to not be so have things the right way.

You, my friend, led a different life. And the failed attempts of returning to it is what breaks you down. You want so badly to get back to it, you'd crawl on all fours to have it back, scratch incessantly at the door that's been bolted shut. Its frustrating. but its never gonna work. Nothing you do Will change things that aren't in your hands and in fact nothing is ever in your hands. You'd keep sinking deeper into the mess you think your life is till the time you forget the happiness, the kindness and the completeness. And then you'd be the first kind of people. Who wouldn't be so under the situation's control. You would make a deal, shake indifference's hand in return.of no hurt in the future. And then once that happens there is a chance for you to get better. There's a chance for you to pull yourself out of the mess and, I won't say live a happier person, but at least not live in morbidity. Not expecting anything good to come up. Not putting yourself up for disappointment. so I guess its not that bad a thing. Maybe this is how you make your bones, of sorts. Winning your armor. Silver lining.

In the morning

Do you ever wake up questioning the turn of events in your life? Just wake up with that sort of a sinking feeling resonating from deep within you and leaving you cold. Without any provocation by something this feeling just creeps up and falls heavy on you the moment you take your first conscious breath of morning. Its hard to shake off that feeling. Its hard to ignore the questions.

This is what hits me at 3 am!

Do you ever notice the strange dark humor in the tragedies of life? Something almost mocking you for being in the dark deep pit if the terrible circumstances you find yourself in?
   Sometimes when you find yourself as a victim of someone's frustration or anger a faint smile crosses your face. like you're amused by how preposterous and unrealistic things are in that moment.
   THAT dark humor. and that's also when you're helpless. you cant even understand it enough to say something. your mouth just hangs open and no words come out, bewildered.
  and even though it happens a lot you're never quite prepared for it. the expression remains pretty much the same every time. you're the weak one. so nothing you say or do would change the other person. and so you find yourself stuck. at the end of the rope. so what do you do ? keep holding on to the end of the rope like a textbook optimist seeing light at the end of the dark depressing tunnel? or do you let go? relieve yourself of the pain?
   everyone would have a different interpretation of 'letting go'. but mind you, what i am talking about doesn't come close to what any optimist might come up with. my interpretation has a greater affinity for the negative one, much closer to a hardcore pessimist's.
     but i'm not a total fool. as easy an escape route as popping pills and slicing wrists(painful)sounds it really defeats the purpose of escaping. you would wish to escape sadness, to be happy. but then you wont be around to feel even that if you follow such an 'exit strategy'.
  i'm not a glass-half-full kind of a person, either.so i know sticking around in such a helpless situation doesnt really help you achieve the seemingly simple goals of peace and happiness. going through all this doesn't really let you live either. so purpose defeated. yet again.
    so you see how no matter what option you choose you'd end up depressed and eventually just create an air of morbidity around you. now that's appealing to people!
    its a struggle, a struggle with no actual benefits. but the whole thing still sort of makes me smile. 

because panvi asked me to post this

i turn around and look back and see what happened, i see why it happened, i see how it happened. The vividness of it after so many years is astounding. So is the lesson learnt. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what I learnt. The intensity of the fear is astounding. so is the nature of it. 

I turn around and look back and see what happened, i see what i fear. how the nightmares of a child gets transformed into the fear of a grown woman is astounding. so is the monster. 

i turn around and look ahead and see what is happening. I see what i have. the love that surrounds the grown woman is astounding. so are the people in her life. 

"Ah, the infamous indifference "

this is an old one. I am just posting it today.

Sometimes when I am just sitting there, fiddling with my phone, basically bored out of my skull and I look though to my contact list I see so many people there. As I scroll through the names, all familiar (obviously, barring a few), it makes me think. There have been so many people who have been important to me at one point. I'd talk to them all day long and they'd be the first ones who'd come to mind when I had something to share(good or bad). My go-to people, so to speak. And now they are just not connected to me. And to no fault of their own, I must tell you. 

I have this tendency it seems to have strong connections with people. So, strong that we'd become inseparable. It would be a thing as impossible as pigs flying that we would become mere acquittance at some point of time. but then the "strong" connection just breaks off. I find it difficult to tolerate the person, the sound of their voice puts me on edge. Its in-affable how it happens. But it does. Its like a pattern I follow. I talk to them a lot at one point, we become best of friends and then something happens  and then "pfft" its gone. Indifference. 

The concern is gone. The need to talk to that person is gone. My life isn't incomplete without them anymore. its like they have fulfilled their purpose. 

 So, what is it? Do I out-grow them? No. I don't think that is it. Do I get bored of them? Maybe. Or is it just one of those things that kids go through, getting attracted to a shiny new toy. 

It sounds bad. I know.is it just that when the mystery of one person unfolds in front of me I lose interest. There is nothing more to them for me. 

then there are two

 I see now the two chunks of my life. One is where I am a part of something that is old, something familiar to me, something I have spent my whole life (the 19 years) getting accustomed to. It has people I have known either since childhood or at least around a decade. It has people who have seen me grow up and also mature as a person. And I have been there for all their moments, too. They know my story. They know what I am, why I am like that. There is a certain kind of comfort with these people. Freedom, perhaps. The freedom to act the way I want to, say the things I want to, without the fear or lets say, the thought of what impression I'd make on them crossing my mind. 

Still, there is such a thing as being part of something and then there is belonging somewhere. The two don't always happen simultaneously for most people. But, why is it that even though acceptance is there, comfort and freedom is there, you don't feel you belong in this group of people you have known for almost two decades? You roam around with this band of people, talking, sharing, happy too, in fact. But always feeling a little complete. Something missing in everything. Is it because you aren't with the right people? Or because you aren't challenged enough. You have things to say, express but no one to understand those things, no one to inspire you or motivate you out of all those who surround you. 

Its all well and good that they were your pillars all the way, helping you out and everything else that friends do. And you've been there, too. you love these people. You take the liberty of speaking your heart without the thought of saying it wrong. they are a part of you and will always be. Some of them would be the most important part of your being, they define you, they have made you what you are. Probably, that's why you are a hundred percent you with them. How can you be conscious or worried around yourself, right? Quite contradictory it sounds, them being you and then you not belonging. I realise that. That's why all the questions, my friend. But, I'll never lose them. They'll stay, no matter what. 

And then there is this whole other chunk of people and places. The new part of your life. Here you enter with hope. This is going to give you what you want. this is going to erase all traces of in-affable alienation you've felt all through your life. This is going to be you. And really, it doesn't take long to realise when you have met those people who will give you that. But then, there is a catch. Blending in. Now the trouble isn't belonging somewhere, the trouble here is being able to be a part of it. That takes courage. Courage might be a big word, used for the likes of soldiers and people who battle over radical issues. But, this is somehow your battle so it works in this context, as well.  

I see how difficult it is one to try fitting into a group of people, a group that is already defined or in the process of defining itself. There is fear, here. There is insecurity. There is the thought of saying things right and saying the right things. The boundaries are uncertain. These people don't know you. They don't know your story. They don't know why you act the way you do, why you shy away from certain things. They just know what they see. But if you want something, if your heart calls out to these people, this new chunk, then you have to jump in, with all the fear, with all the insecurity. Earn your place. 

Who knows in the next 19 years these people could be my pillars, these people could be the ones I share with and the ones I am not afraid around, the ones I know would stay. 

I have something to say too!

is communication all that important? Isn't sometimes its just better to just shut up and not say a thing? Sometimes silence helps solve a lot of issues. But imagine this, every time that you try to speak up, make a point you are pushed down!! You aren't allowed to come up with your side of the story? What do you do then? If you do say something it'll turn into something bigger and uglier than it already is. Then what? Isn't it frustrating?

lets start with the problem. You have something in your mind which is troubling you and you know saying it might hurt the other person, or the person might not take it in the right spirit. What do you do? Do you not say it and just keep the anger inside, let it grow and manifest? That'd make you go crazy. But will not lead to any verbal or physical confrontations.
Or, do you say it? Just the way you feel it. Just as the words come into your mind and onto your tongue. Now justifications are fine. Its a little unclear to me how the talking process changes into the screaming one! Its generally a very quick change of moods in the room. And then I scream and then everybody else screams. Nobody is listening to anyone! Age old problems and all the petty issues from the past come into the picture! Blah...blah...blah...
Then you bang you respective doors and let a few tears slip. What happened here? There was the obvious initiation of communication. But it didn't solve anything. Why? Because everyone around here is so fixated on the idea that what I did was right and I can never be wrong. (I'm not ALWAYS an exception to that). But the worst part is they aren't ready to even consider the idea or let anyone try to show them how they can be right too.

Okay... this isn't going well... I can't write this properly without actual describing the whole incident(s). no right and wrong would come out of just hypothetical situations. :|

Radhika Tanwar- we care!

Its sad what has happened. But what is worse is people making this an issue about women protection! What happened with Radhika had nothing to do with her gender.   Nobody could have possibly known that so-and-so guy is armed and planning to shoot her. Nobody could have stopped it from happening once the guy had decided on it. Our "protection" isn't the issue here. Because there is hardly anything anyone can do about psychos roaming around shooting someone. Unless people want us to roam around delhi wearing bullet-proof vests. Or have 5 police men as body-guards for each one of us, everywhere we go. These are just unrealistic solutions to a problem. Sheila Dixit can't do a thing about it. Even if people expect her to take a bullet for someone then too she needs to know about it!! Really the whole problem is because we let people like this 22 or so year old guy be armed! Their families, for reasons that i can't fathom, give them power and freedom enough to actually have the guts to shoot another person, take a life. What kind of a twisted "kid" would do such a thing? And why a 20 something has a gun or feels the need to steal one to kill someone is beyond me!

If anything, regulate the laws regarding possession of firearms. Ask people who have guns at home to not let your children have the impression that its for taking lives. Its for self-defense!!

Also, people aren't scared enough by our current law and order status. Anybody with political connections or money can get away with anything. that needs to change and quickly. And yes we are back to the root of all OUR(Indians) problems- CORRUPTION!! Damn!! There is no missing it, right?

But the point is, lets not make this about women safety or drag this into the political war zone. Just simply prick the conscience of the people have the power to punish the person who did such a thing and not let him get away!

Take the leap!

Somehow after everything that has happened, after all that I have left or taken up, after growing up as much as I have, I still feel something holding me back. This was supposed to be a new beginning. First year of college, new people, new places, some parts of the old. They were all supposed to just change me! make me see what is important and what is not. And it did.

But what I didn't consider in my calculations of the better part of the "change" was even after seeing it all, knowing it all, I need something more to actually act. A push? An opportunity? NO!! I have had both of them, the push and the opportunity. But there is something missing. I don't know what. But, external pushes are fine for starters. You know, to make you think along those lines, to make you consider new things, to make you take note of such opportunities. But then for you to actually take those last few steps there is a push from inside!!!!

I don't have that, yet. I need it(or so I am told, and made to see). i don't know if I am just afraid or it is my mind's way of telling me that its just not worth the effort. But the thinking has got me all messed up.

P.s.: Wow, its like I am creating new problems each day for me to deal with. Yay me!! :\

I say I forget!!!!!

How easy is it to let new people in your life, open up to them and then watch them go away? Not at all. So, what do you do? Not let them in at all, don't form any sort of attachment or bond with them? You certainly can't stop them from going. If they have to go, they will. Then how do you deal with it, or prevent it?

when people leave abruptly, over some issue or whatever reason it may be, its so difficult to deal with the pain of loss. But lets not mull over that. its a completely different discussion in itself. I want to consider the idea of knowing that you have to let go of someone in a matter of days, or months.

What do you do when you know that the friend or family member you were so close to, so attached to, will leave you in a matter of months? Obviously, it doesn't mean all shreds of communication will be broken between the two but then there is a possibility along with the surety that things won't be the same. If its a friend who is going off to some other state or country to study or someone changing school or a senior passing out of college< :) >. You know you would be totally crushed not being able to see those people everyday, not having them as a part of your everyday life. But then its inevitable. Nothing can be done to change this.

Do you distance yourself beforehand so it becomes easier later? Stop calling, texting(or at least bring it down a few notches)? Or do you make the best of whatever time is left? So you have good, happy memories for later?

Maybe I should just take the middle path and let things be the way they are. Deal with the things in the future in the future itself. These seemingly small issues can have a huge impact and I guess since I realise this, these questions keep popping up in my head all the time, sometimes at 5 in the morning!!!

I'll leave it to time, for now.

Letting Go

So, what does letting go mean? Forgetting about somethings? Giving up hope on things ever changing? Making peace with it? Even if these things happen does it mean you have let go or moved on?  I think its more than just being indifferent. And there are certain vestiges of attachment that still remain. the old habits you had, you just can't let go. Like saying certain things while signing off or keeping texts or old nicknames. No matter what, these things are hard to let go of.

Its like this, you know you don't care. you share this simple friendship. But then, you don't delete their texts like you delete everyone else's(barring a few ;)), you still pay more than the normal amount of attention to what they say, you devote more time and mind to what you say to them(probably cuz they are just smarter than you and you don't want to sound dumb. nevertheless). Why do you do that even though you are fine with it all?

Yes, true, some friends are always at a much special place than most and you do treat them better than the others. But you just feel it, that this is not because of the special place crap. This is at a completely different level!  a different thing all together. And you phone keeps buzzing at every text you get. Screaming at you that your message memory is full!!! Delete your texts! And you just can't delete them. These text are nothing special. They aren't funny or memorable like the rest of them. Just simple 'Hi's and 'Hello's. But you can't and won't delete them! WHY?

The fact of the matter is, they shouldn't mean anything to you. And in your head they don't, you know, when you think about it. But it happens. It does.

The good thing, I finally did get rid of them. The excess baggage! Just picked all of them and deleted them. Except one, the special one. At least now everyone is an equal in my inbox. Well, ALMOST. :)

Are things really that easy?

So, are things really that easy? Is it really not so big as we picture it in our heads? Can we really deal with everything that comes our way? a week back or even yesterday, I would have said- No! We need the strength. Not everybody has it in them to deal with the worst of the situations. But ask me today and I would say- HELL YES!!
What does it take? Some time. Some one to vent all the anger out to. Just letting go of the all the clogged up thoughts. Just have them in front of you! All the facts, all the feelings. Everything. Right in front of you, tangibly.
Time. Well, who hasn't heard "time heals all wounds"! I have and so have you. The important questions is how many of us believe that time has such power. Very few. The out and out optimistic ones. Maybe the practical ones too. But for the rest of us, its a little hard to believe until we experience it for ourselves. It may take an year or maybe 3(oh yes, it took me 3 years to get over the way things are) to finally have the load off your chest, to have the freedom of not having every single moment devoted to that one thought or thing, to finally breath. Maybe you just get used to the situation after so much time has passed you by, its just become a part of you. you can LIVE with it now.
Or maybe, quite simply, you realize its not worth it. Eh, doesn't matter, like things would ever be the same, as if they'd get better. No, they won't. What's the point getting upset.
Either of the two cases. But the realization that you don't have to put up with it comes with time. You just let go. You just give up on it all.
Or maybe you talk to some people who listen to you and finally give you a piece of their mind. After all this time being stuck with your own thoughts, your own way of looking at things, a fresh outlook and new perspective might just do the trick(yes, this helped me too). These people, their thoughts they just pull you out. Really. I have a few of them, and I am grateful for that. while letting it all out at once is also a relief, you like the feeling of security you get from knowing someone cares enough to listen to you. You get to make room for a lot of new thoughts too, once you let all the old ones out.

But somehow, even making peace with things, even letting go of them won't let you forget that something like this existed. Its like the scar that a deep cut leaves behind(ooh, now that's a tad bit too dramatic). But yes you  won't forget that any of this happened. It will be there still. But, you won't feel the old familiar feeling of pain anymore. You might even ask yourself- Am I not supposed to get hurt by this? You would. Honestly. I know. I ask myself this. Every time something reminds me of it. But I am all better now.

This can quite simply be a mood swing. The pendulum must've got stuck at the optimistic me, the positive me. I might even get back to my skeptic-self in a matter of hours after writing this. I am aware of this. So, I just felt like putting this thought out so that one day I can make myself believe things aren't always so grey. If I can see the light, if I can see the strength for long enough and make myself believe in it too, then maybe I can make this a more permanent state of mind. But, still a MAYBE.



P.S. Some of my old friends who have known me like this, dealing with stuff, think I am in denial. Thing there is something wrong with me, bigger than this. Its really funny how people won't believe it when you tell them you are a-okay!

Blocked.

BLOCKED. Simple word. Means you don't have access to something or someone. From getting calls blocked to blocking people on facebook. What does it mean?! That you have suddenly stopped existing for the person who blocked you. That they just can't take enough of you anymore.

Or is it just their way of being angry at you! How people get angry and say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore" now, like we used to do in first grade when we had a fight with our friends.

Maybe, it is. Maybe, as things get better, when all the anger diffuses, everyone comes back to each others' lives(until the next fight, of course). But is it that easy? Pick and drop people like that. Its not just facebook you are dealing with. Its not just made up profiles. these are real people, who feel hurt when blocked and happy and relieved when unblocked.

The bigger point is, do the blocked find it as easy to just kick the blocker out! No! Obviously.

well not so obviously. But it doesn't matter much when it is mutual. But when it isn't, that's when the real break comes. Why would friends or whatever part people play in each other's lives want to forget, or completely amputate people they once had something solid with? It makes no sense. Doesn't the past play a part?

And why is it that things always end up getting back to square one. Always. Its a cycle. Honestly. Like nothing ever happened. You don't even acknowledge the existence of something like this happening. Just move on to, "yeah, we're weird". And that's it. Move on. Pick up where we left.

But this time it was different. I have been deleted. I have deleted. But never has it gotten to being blocked on "facebook". So, it feels a little different even coming back.

Like before but with a certain level of indifference. There is no pressure. there is no trying too hard. Its all very laid back. It doesn't feel the same. But then I don't want it to. Because, that's how the trouble starts, right?

I can't decide. This probably confuses someone who knows nothing as to what I am talking about as much as it confuses me! Really. As Vidya would say, "You people are messed up".

Yes, WE ARE WEIRD! WEIRD, INDEED .

I make mistakes

So, here is the thing, quiet honestly, I make mistakes. Tonnes of them. Its generally hard for people to admit to it. They would never take the blame, fight over who's fault it was and then ultimately, not talk to each other for a bunch of weeks until one caves and sheds his/her ego and makes up for the whole issue. But, I have no problem in accepting it(for now, at least). I'm not talking about tiny things like who left the milk out or who crashed the car! I mean big life changing decisions, where the only one accountable is me and the only one who is answerable to is also me! Its between me. The impact of my decision is also being borne by me. Obviously, when it comes to the big decisions there are a lot of things to consider and in turn a lot of things that can screw the whole thing up. It has happened. The momentary feeling of discomfort forces one to consider bringing change in the whole situation, not considering its long term impacts. And oh boy, is it some pain later on! You realize that you made a mistake and then the really tough time starts. Because you don't have to live with just the wrong rearranging you did, there is also the feeling of guilt and regret. Then the constant thinking, what ifs! All night long, eyes wide open, you stare at the ceiling, going over everything that was or could have been and what you made it! Its disturbingly sad. Then comes the next stage, the making peace with your decision stage. It involves trying to make yourself believe in the 'everything happens for a reason' and 'a door closes, a window will open' theories. But, in the end, by depriving yourself of that satisfaction, the happiness , you've deprived yourself of a peace and granted yourself a restless alternate reality. Just have to live with everything it comes with from here on. Accepting that you make mistakes doesn't make much difference. Because no matter who made the mistake, you are still in the same state, there is just one less thing to be upset about, the guilt. :|

I know I didn't finish my last blog. But, now I have lost the string of thoughts so I am finding it a little difficult to get back to it. So, I'll just say that I have a problem fitting in. but then it does nothing to stop me. Its not like I need social interactions to keep me going. I'm pretty independent that way. And I don't exactly believe that I am a loner. Anyway, its nice to be able to connect with people. But still am here to do something monumental, that's what I am concentrating on, for now. :)